peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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