my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I could have mohawked her pubes.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
