I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
