So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
