Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
