It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
