it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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