I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
