what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
