Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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