his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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