you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
