he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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