I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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