I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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