Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
