Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
