it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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