I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
