You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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