Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Two words: blizzard sex
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
