Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
