Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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