and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
