She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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