The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
