I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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