I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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