You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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