I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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