The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
