He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
