her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
