i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
