literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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