I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
