We're facebook friends in real life
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
