if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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