Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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