at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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