I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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