im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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