I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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