update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
