Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
