i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
