My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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