Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
True strength comes from lack of pants
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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