just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
