I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
