Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
