it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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