I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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