I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
